The Tie that Binds

Originally published via Gahum Weekly Vol. 2 No. 13 June 6-12, 2011

“All babies are flown from the Universe/From there they're lifted by the hands of angels/
God gives them the stars to use as ladders.” (Excerpt from All Babies by Sinead O’Connor)

I speak with courage because I will not quote and you may seek me to take full responsibility of every intention these words will bring you. Above all, I hope that they become seeds for us in our search for understanding and solution.

When we entered primary education we were taught the concept of family and it being the foundation of society; and, for those of us who received Catholic catechism we learned that God is the Father, the Son, and the Holy Spirit. From the moment we knew we could learn, we were taught to love, obey and honor our parents; and, not to learn this was not only unspeakable but beyond conception. In the deepest recesses of ourselves, we always had known though that it was right to do such with or without us being instructed.

The tie that binds us to our parents is beyond the fact that we are products of their sperms and egg cells. It transcends the fact that our mothers carried us in their wombs for nine months. It is much more complex than them being the givers and us the takers of care and sustenance. They are not just progenitors of the future because they are unique individuals capable of anything and everything… even wanting a life with or without us. The tie that binds us leads us to expect them to be the first bearers of love. In our souls, this tie makes us want them to be our first protectors. In our hearts, this tie allows us to believe they are the heralds of trust. Nobody taught us to create this tie. We did not need to learn that we needed our parents to love and protect us and for us to trust in them. We just did.

There are children though who need to unravel this tie that binds. There are some who suffer from physically abusive fathers who say in the aftermath of their violence, “Pasalamat kamo amo la ini iyo gin-aagain. Waray ini magkatunga han pangastigo han iyo lolo ha ak.” There are some who are inflicted a million paper cuts when their mothers verbally and emotionally abuse them for the sins of the fathers. Many children are in agony and helplessness over the pain that their battered mothers go through. Many children are ailed with isolation as their parents pass their responsibility of parenthood to others such as relatives, strangers, or the State. They are children who must learn to unravel the tie that binds or else they will continue needing the love and protection of parents who cannot give such and trust parents who cannot be trusted. If they do not unravel the tie that binds, they will just become part of the vicious cycle because there will be no recognition of error thus the children when they become parents will repeat the same mistakes.

There are laws that have been legislated to protect the children such as the RA 9262 (Anti-Violence against Women and Their Children Act of 2004) and RA 7610 (Special Protection of Children against Abuse, Exploitation and Discrimination Act). Their existence has made me ask three questions. Do we really need laws that could punish just to know what to do right for our children? Is the natural law of kindness not enough to rule parent-children relations? Are they effective in getting to the root of the problems?

I was a child. I am a child. I will always be a child. I have learned how to deal with the tie that binds. Just like any sojourner in the world, I met my parents by chance and they too met me by chance. I believe that there is no better rule than kindness among sojourners… one-way or two-way street, it does not matter… as long as I do what is right.