The Daguitan Bridge in Me

The Daguitan River (Photo is courtesy of Meg Jocson)

In April 1984 I was a nine year old awakening to the implications of the life changing decision of Auntie, as I fondly called my Aunt Letty, to marry. The entangled emotions of fear and anticipation were so suffocating and heart wrenching that I cried the whole time Gaano Ko Ikaw Kamahal played. I was so afraid that the new chapter in her life might mean my loss. I was so full of anticipation for the moment that I would love and hug her children the way she loved and hugged me.

In the midst of all the wedding celebration which was followed by two weeks of fracas brought about by visiting relatives of varying degrees, I wanted solace so that I could think of how things would change even if she already told me that nothing would be different because I knew they would be. I tried to think of how I would deal with the weekends which I used to spend with her- we bathed in the Daguitan River; read books; listened to music especially ABBA and the Carpenters; and played cards. I tried to figure out whom to run to when things get awry at home since she and Tio Dan planned to settle outside of Dulag. I tried to think but everyone was just so festive thus I failed. In spite of the happiness surrounding me I was a very worried nine-year old. Despite this selfish worrying, I imagined her smiling face while her children would run to her the way I always did.

The need to be alone to think and resolve internal conflict was born to me. Then, what I could do to be alone without the adults getting anxious came to me. During one of the family’s big simple dinners, I volunteered to walk from Barbo to Fatima selling ice candies made by Nanay. At first my mother disagreed and said, “Mag-iiritom ka kay mapaso,” and my quick reply was, “Ayla ito Nanay, marisyo man.”

The next day, I left home at nine in the morning with an ice box full of yellow and red condiments as my ticket to solace. I was shaded by the trees that lined up the Maharlika Highway. When I reached the middle of the Daguitan Bridge, I became completely immersed in the unrelenting objectivity of the sun and the strong yet so kind breezes of the river and the Pacific Ocean. I stopped walking and put down the ice bucket. I sat on the side walk of the bridge facing the river going to the ocean; and, for the first time in weeks I was happy. While motorcycles passed with passengers and drivers hurrying to destinations unknown to me, I felt that everything made sense and thought that everything was connected. In the river and the ocean, I saw how Auntie’s marriage connected her more to me and how the generations that she would give forth to the world be connected to me. My young awakening self recognized the individuality of human beings through her and the singleness of lives including hers. For the first time, I understood the freedom of letting go of possessing someone because it was just an illusion because in truth we are all one, we are all connected.

On that day, the Daguitan Bridge in me was born. When things in life get so muddled, I go to that place in me and remember that awakening nine year old who learned to change perspectives and saw the world in its full glory. When things in life get so intoxicatingly fine, I go to that place in me so that I will never forget the unrelenting objectivity of the sun and the strong yet so kind breezes of the river and the Pacific Ocean.

My Auntie, Ms. Letecia Garcia-Cabanero. She has two wonderful children, Gladys and Bryan. She lives in Brgy. Salvacion, Dulag, Leyte with Tio Dan. They are my sanctuary. They have become more than blood to me.